I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends
I was diagnosed when I was 28. Being late diagnosed, I started to read more about autism and ADHD and suddenly realized so many people I know fit these descriptions. Some old friends, coworkers, and family had these traits! My partner even told me that our friends were diagnosed with ADHD when they were kids. So what's the deal? Is everyone ADHD and/ or autistic? Not quite...but there is a connection!
Communication Differences
A study concluded that autistic people don't have trouble communicating with other autistic people. However, when autistic people were put with neurotypical people (people who are not neurodivergent) problems arose in communication. Most people use social-based conversation. Things like, “How are you?” “Tell me about yourself.” “How was it?” With neurodivergent people, especially autistic people, these are very open-ended questions and lead to many different types of answers. Our brains struggle to find the words as it pours over all of our complex emotions and experiences. When people ask, “How was it?” asking about an experience, I might just flatly say “Fine.” But my brain is thinking, “The lights were so bright I got a headache, the food was good but I ate too much. I liked talking to Henry, but he didn't want to talk to me after a while. He probably hates me now. But I guess overall it was okay. I didn’t die.”
Object-Based Conversation
Neurodivergent people tend to do better with object-based conversations. This is when you and that person examine an outside object together. Things like, “What did you think of this book?” “What do you think about this movie?” “How did you enjoy that meal?” Object-based conversations are less abstract, more concrete concepts that are easier to grasp and more enjoyable for us to talk about.
Object-based conversation stems from the concept of object-based learning. Object-based learning provides a direct physical link to what is being talked about. This engages the senses, especially sight and touch, and is great for visual learners. While not every autistic person is a visual learner, experts still advocate for using visual tools in teaching. This is because autism is a processing disorder and even autistic people with strong language skills still have trouble giving spoken words meaning at high speeds. This goes for ADHD and other learning disorders too. Without realizing it someone might talk fast, or ramble about something, and the words are like a ball of yarn in our head, they are all scrambled and jumbled up in a ball and we have to pull the string carefully to unravel it, which takes time. Having an object to relate to helps ground the conversation.
Social-Based Conversation
Small talk or social-based conversation leans heavily into more abstract concepts. Things like, “Tell me about yourself,” could have a million answers and could lead to oversharing, or even overwhelm and cause an autistic person to shut down, which would turn a neurotypical person off from an autistic person.
Going back to the study that showed that autistic people don’t have trouble communicating with other autistic people, I think this has a lot to do with how we are talking to each other. Less social-based conversation and more object-based conversations.
Body Language and Social Cues
There’s also less chance of misreading body language and social cues. A lot of neurotypical people read heavily into body language, I’ve gotten asked what’s wrong more times than I could ever count when I’m actually enjoying the moment or just focusing on something. My face might not match what I’m feeling, and some people think I’m standoffish or rude when it is just a miscommunication. One time my grandma was visiting me and said, “It’s kind of cold in here.” But because I don’t pick up social cues well I just said, “Yeah, I guess it is.” Luckily, she loved me enough to laugh and explain to me that she wanted me to turn the heat on. But someone who might not know me as well might make wrong assumptions and assume I’m uncaring.
First Impressions
Humans are programmed with an innate mechanism to judge people based on first impressions. And this impression is formed in a fraction of a second. Whether we know it or not we can recognize when someone is different. A neurotypical person might meet an autistic/ADHD person and they will notice differences. They might be swaying from side to side, they might not be making eye contact, they might be making too much eye contact, and they might be smiling when it’s not appropriate. And that’s it. The opinion is formed. Some people can’t get past that opinion. They might think, “That person was weird.” And brush them off.
One of the first times I met my husband’s friend is a hilarious experience that sticks out in my mind. We asked if he wanted to come over at a certain time and he asked if we could pick him up. We arrived at his house and I was expecting him to come out but my partner got out of the car. I was confused but followed him inside. We found his friend still in his pajamas, slippers and all, his shoulder-length hair was haphazardly thrown into a pigtail, but just on one side. And he was deep into a video game. We sat on his bed with him and talked and watched him play video games for a couple of hours before finally leaving to hang out at our place like the original plan. He never changed out of his pajamas or slippers and his hair I guess was more of an odd convenience than a statement, so that stayed too.
When we dropped him off I turned to my partner and started laughing and I said, “What was the deal with that?” He laughed and offered only, “That’s just who he is.” I embraced that explanation wholeheartedly and humorously. Now every time we make plans with his friend I just know he will show up at some point and he has his own style. I know people who couldn’t wait hours, it would ruin their day and they couldn’t be friends with him. It was later when I was looking into autism and ADHD that my husband remembered to tell me his friend has ADHD.
Conclusion
The combination of different communication styles, different body language, and social cues leads to many neurotypical people writing off neurodivergent people as strange and not wanting to be friends with them. But neurodivergent people gravitate towards each other, unknowingly sometimes, because we understand each other better. There’s a sense of empathy even for those who don’t know why. “Hey, I’m kinda weird too. You’re okay.” Before I was diagnosed or knew too much about autism I was aware that my friends and partner were a little strange. But I accept their quirks and just understand that they just have a different way of thinking. And that’s okay.
Sources:
Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320919286
