As someone who grew up on the autistic spectrum, friends were hard to make and even harder to keep.
We all have ways to cultivate and maintain friendships, and many on the spectrum face unique challenges regarding this aspect of life. What comes easily to some may not for others. For me, it was a lifelong learning process that required much patience and open-mindedness.
A Personal Memory
Unfortunately, we're all human, and we all make mistakes. When it comes to social boundaries, an autistic individual may find making and maintaining friendships more difficult than usual, and the cost of losing a friend can be quite burdensome.
One such instance that comes to mind was when I was in high school. I managed to nudge my way into a group that tolerated me for the most part. One day, when someone started eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup, I, in my matter-of-fact manner, pointed out that it easily resembled vomit. Not only did this person stop eating, but so did everyone else at the table. A minute later, I was the only one left sitting there, as everyone had politely excused themselves.
This, unfortunately, offered me a hard lesson in communication. It's not one of my best memories, but when it comes to personal development, I easily trace my journey back to this little moment.
What I Have Learned About Making Friends
Through trial and error, I've narrowed what I've learned about making friends down to a few observations. This is one area in my life where progress does not come easily, but once the ball gets rolling, the rewards are plentiful and enriching.
As is the usual caveat, the following recommendations stem from my own experience. There are plenty of resources available, such as Ambitious About Autism and Marcus.org. Much of what they recommend may be echoed in my recommendations below, but it is my hope this tidbit helps one autistic person put another piece of a puzzle together in their lives.
1. Remember the Simplest Rule
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
It's a simple saying, and we've all heard it. However, in today's world, where nearly every syllable is held under a microscope for insensitive undertones, an autistic person may struggle with this concept more than others. I know I've had my share of errors in this field. One such instance occurred in my first year of college when a friend got a haircut, and I promptly asked, "What happened to you?"
We're friends now, but she didn't speak to me for a while after that one.
Nevertheless, in the laboratory of friendship-building, this simple tip can be the best tool when it comes to navigating social boundaries. This is where trial and error comes into play more than ever, and an autistic person will benefit from finding those who are more than forgiving of their mistakes. Some will not be, and that's where learning experiences come into play.
While sifting through today's ever-changing social norms, autistic individuals can always benefit from the basics: "Please," "Thank You," "Yes," "No," and "Have a Nice Day."
Ultimately, it boils down to making people smile, which leads to my next point.
2. Keep 'Em Smiling
All my life, I've found that if the other person in question is not smiling, I'm doing something wrong. Quite often, I come off as a joker or boyish in my behavior, and this is an area I need to improve in as a 35-year-old man. What I will never sacrifice, however, is the desire to keep a smile on everyone's face.
As is, I have a group of friends now that I spend time with, and I would not trade a single one of them for the world. Out and about, I try to keep them laughing as best as I can. I often find self-deprecating humor a good tool, only because I'm my harshest critic (as are most successful people, mind you), and I don't want to risk losing a friend over a careless comment.
Plus, smiles are free to give out and easy to exchange. Once you've got the rhythm down, people will want to be your friend no matter what.
3. Stick With Those Who Are Honest
When I was in Middle School, a bunch of clowns talked me into making an obscene gesture with my hands and tongue to teachers whenever their backs were turned. They would laugh, as would others, and I interpreted the laughter as positive feedback. That is until my friend Justin pulled me aside and explained the nature behind the gesture.
As it were, Justin was my only friend in the matter, and he would remain my friend for years to come. He stayed honest with me when others didn't.
As an autistic person, as well as an actor and a writer, I benefit from direct feedback where I need improvement. I've always had problems interpreting certain gestures and cues in public, and I find those who tell me the hard truth about my shortcomings to be my true friends.
An autistic individual might appreciate this approach like no other. Once direct feedback is given, the individual in question will be left to pass or fail the next test. Ultimately, it all boils down to interacting with the right people at the right time, but when in doubt, look for the person who says, "No, don't do that."
It'll make life way easier to navigate from there.
4. Take Your Time - And Don't Be Afraid of It
Many autistic individuals have been known to exhibit significant degrees of anxiety, and this is no joke regarding interpersonal contact. Basic eye contact is enough to trigger a rush of dopamine in the brain; for some on the spectrum, this rush can be too much.
I can come off as overly energetic and repetitive at times. This is by and large due to my anxieties when it comes to speaking with people. Some autistic people may gush with energy, while others might withdraw into their own little worlds.
Thankfully, this is where the concept of "practice, practice, practice" comes into play. The more one interacts with another, the more one might ease into the routine of establishing connections with them. One can work on curbing excessive energy, while another can work on direct engagement with another person.
It must be stressed, though, that the individual must be free to go at their own pace. I've had my share of peers try to push me into a social situation despite my objections, and it almost always ends in failure (think being forced to speak on stage for the first time with no prompt: yes, you will fail, and you will not be happy with the person who forced you onto the stage).
An autistic individual can benefit from social interaction in their own home with parents and siblings to start with. Once effective rapport is established, they can be eased into other circles. Time and patience will be vital in this area, but once they're intermingling with friends, and even trying to introduce you to them, many goals will have been accomplished in this area.
Final Note
I confess that this has been tough to write, as developing interpersonal relationships has been the greatest challenge in my life. Among my biggest regrets in growing up is failing to be a better friend to other people.
As always, one must remind him or herself that it's part of an adventure. There will be pitfalls, but the rewards at the end of the journey will make these setbacks worth it. In the meantime, remember to keep smiling and treasure those looking out for you. They're worth more than money will ever be.
We hope you enjoyed the information in this article. STAGES® Learning also offers free downloadable resources to support teaching and learning with autistic individuals. Start with our free Picture Noun Cards and see our collection of other downloadable resources here!
