I lost it today! Really lost it! My usually happy, kind, and amazing autistic teenage grandson, whom I raised most of his life, talked rudely and loudly to me over breakfast. As I reminded him to watch his tone, he laid into me even more.
It had been going on all week. There’s always a reason for behavior, and I knew he’d been disappointed that a girl he likes at school backed off and didn’t seem interested in talking to him anymore. He so desperately wants a girlfriend and to be like most of his neurotypical peers, so feeling somewhat rejected after mustering up the courage to talk to her and even buying her lunch – twice – left him very discouraged.
I’d felt so bad for him and tried to encourage him all week that he was still so young and that the perfect person was out there somewhere. My encouragement helped momentarily, but his irritation and frustration prevailed.
I know I should not have taken it personally this morning, knowing the reason he let it all hang out with me is that I am his safe person. But having been the brunt of his bad mood all week, today it became the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
I raised my voice, something I know never works and only makes things worse. Covering his ears, he raged at me, got up, and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him. I heard him carry on, shouting insults at me and banging on the closet door. I cried and felt bad instantly. It didn’t solve anything or make things better for either of us and yet…
Being a full-time caregiver of an autistic individual with minimal respite and little encouragement or support is no piece of cake, but I hold it together almost all of the time, and he’s come such a long way…
All the hard work that went into teaching him coping skills and how to use them paid off and the improvements surpassed my wildest dreams. Outbursts like the one this morning used to happen frequently, but they are rare now. His attending general education classes instead of learning in a special education setting and his great grades to boot are a testament to that.
And yet, I am human. Today the stress of it all got the better of me, and as I calmed myself I realized that I became his trigger this morning. He needed me to be patient and let it pass, but I got upset instead.
A little while later, when both of us were calm, I went in and apologized, and he responded with one of his unique requests for forgiveness, knowing he had gone a little too far. And of course, I forgave him! Instantly! I explained it hurt my feelings when he talked to me disrespectfully. “Sometimes the things I say are not the things I feel in my heart”, he replied. Don’t I know it!
We both returned to baseline and he even gave me a rare, quick side hug. When the school bus arrived to pick him up he was back to promising he’d do his best at school like he always does, and left “to have a great day” as if nothing happened.
It took me a little longer to recover. Once the school bus disappeared out of sight, the tears rolled freely. Tears of regret that I lost it, but also tears that released the pressure and stress I’d been holding in all week. I know feeling sorry for myself doesn’t do any good, so I am pulling myself together as I write this. “Self-pity is a luxury you cannot afford. There is too much to do. So, deep breaths, my dear!” I told myself.
I am still struggling to share this, but when I do muster up the courage, I hope it’s a parent or caregiver like me who is reading this, if for no other reason than that it helps you realize you’re not alone. I hope it will help you know that someone understands when you have a bad day. I hope it will help you know that you don’t have to be perfect and that someone appreciates and recognizes the sacrifices you make to give your autistic charge, or anyone in your care for that matter, the best possible life they can have.
I see you, I hear you, and I feel the pain you sometimes feel, and the deep need for someone to just be there for you, to respect and appreciate what you do. Writing this and realizing that others like me go through similar things, is helping me pick myself up again to face the rest of the day, and the days after this, with courage.
And yes, I am going to practice some of the self-care I often tell others about. The chores can wait; my well-being can’t! For me, self-care looks like fixing myself a hot cup of coffee, meditating, and journaling about my experiences. Self-care for you may look different. Perhaps you like to take a walk, draw a warm bath, go shopping, talk to a friend, or something else. Whatever it is, please take care of yourself, and remember, you can’t feed others from an empty cupboard, as I found out this morning.
Thankfully, days like today are few and far between, and remembering all the progress made and the undoubted growth I will continue to see in my darling grandson as he matures and prepares for life after high school as a young adult, is helping me to regain my usual positive outlook. After all, I love him to the moon and back and I am here to support him, no matter what—bad moods and all!
Do you have a story to tell? If so, I encourage you to share your experiences. Putting pen to paper lifted my spirit, and it might do the same for you, and encourage someone else going through similar struggles in the process.